Stupid Wedding Ideas: Wild Animals

Perusing the stats today, I realised I am the top-ranked Google search for white tigers for wedding reception in toronto, ont.

UPDATE: I’m no longer #1 for that search, thank goodness.  Maybe Google is paying attention after all.

tonguaRegrettably, I do not know any animal handlers—and if I did, I don’t think I they would endorse the presence of full-grown adult tigers at receptions with a hundred (or more) carnivorous human guests.  Imagine being forced to sit at Ruth’s Chris Steak House all evening in front of several hundred perfectly-cooked, dancing, singing and laughing porterhouse steaks.  And not being permitted to eat any of them.  You can imagine how annoyed the tiger would be at the end of the evening.

On the other hand, it would be incredibly easy to clear out the room when the bride and groom tire of the festivities.  Just make sure your gifts are secreted away before the last dance, then release the hungry, annoyed tigers.  People will be talking about your reception for years!  Especially the survivors and law enforcement community.

lion_cub I had a similar crazy notion once upon a time.  I thought it would be hilarious to have a couple of lion cubs romp down the aisle as the ring bearer and flower girl.  And it sounds like fun, until you account for the fact that these things are extremely young wild animals with no ability to take direction or contain their rambunctiousness.

They might start off down the aisle, but in mere moments they’d be play-fighting, chomping on decorations and chasing each other under pews and around guests’ legs like Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner.  And as comical as it might be, they’re really the future predators of the African savannah; lion cubs don’t belong in funny outfits for human ceremonies.

If you’re going to have a wedding in or near the wild animal habitat (like the San Diego Zoo’s Wild Animal Park), that’s one thing.  You’re on their turf, and the zoological professionals will ensure that your presence isn’t stressing or negatively impacting the animals.  Sticking them into our world for a one-off performance at a wedding?  Not sure I can sign off on that in good conscience.

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4 Responses
  1. Nathan B. says:

    You might want to change that url for the google search to
    http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=%22white+tigers+for+wedding+reception+in+toronto+ont%22&btnG=Search&meta=
    I’m not sure how that’ll show, but it’s just the same search with quotation marks.

  2. Chris Taylor says:

    Used to work without the quotes — I guess Google wised up. I’ll leave it as-is, but thanks for the info.

  3. I was shocked when I read this post. Here I thought you a mild mannered civil servant. One who cares. One who I could trust with the public trust. But, no.
    Your mere contemplation of having wild beasts at a wedding ceremony, as ring bearer! and flower girl! is right out of the barbaric excesses of the decadent Roman Empire. Shame! I can see it now. Today you are the efficient adminstrator of the state, for tomorrow you lust to don the purple, be carried about in a sedan chair, all the while being fanned by some scented slaves in latex fetish gear. Your lust for power shines through in that remark. A search of your desk will, no doubt, reveal designs for temples, obelisks, and triumphal arches scribbled upon cocktail napkins and computer printouts.
    I am shattered.

  4. Chris Taylor says:

    Hah! Thankfully working for the patricians and plebeians, not the senatus populusque—although I was a civil servant briefly, many years ago.
    But yeah, I’ll cop to the temples, obelisks and triumphal arches…