The Earth-Mother will Kick Your Ass

Fight Nature before Nature gets You!

More hilarious alarmism from the Globe and Mail.  Look, non-native species migration is a problem, but it’s not like you can erect giant Star Trek forcefields and keep them out.  Nature is red in tooth and claw—which means Nature fights in the Octagon, ignores the ref, and uses brass knuckles and shivs, whether you like it or not.  Species are going to go where the climate and food chain are favourable.  And our efforts to introduce other non-native species to keep them in check usually backfires and bites us in the ass.  The successful species on this planet adapt and evolve to new environments.  The unsuccessful ones stay put and circle the drain as their ever-shrinking turf runs out of time, food and ideas.  I’m just sayin’.

I particularly like how the Globe goes on to freak out about other invasive species moving northward, particularly European fire ants.

Well I have news for you, fellas.  Fire ants are already here.  They’re in Phippsburg, Maine, which is a mere three minutes north of Toronto in terms of latitude.  Hell I got stung by a fire ant this June—on the Don Valley Parkway—during the Becel Ride for Heart.  Took about 3 weeks for the sting marks and itching to go away.

I’m not allergic to them, but damn, stinging insects are annoying as hell.  Nothing makes me angrier than having a stupid six-legged stinging idiot crawl up your shirt and get angry about it because their primitive compound eyes are too blind to find the way out.  And they build in much higher densities than Toronto’s zoning regulations permit.  Half the time their homes are illegal shantytown tenements built onto or within a properly-zoned existing structure.  And they contribute to the city’s budget problems by refusing to pay property taxes.  Which is why I am going to fund a titanic James-Bond-supervillain project to rid the world of the entire Apocrita sub-order.  If you donate now, I will name a giant insecticide-spraying zeppelin after you.  Or some kind of nano-weapon that performs regicide against wasp and fire ant queens.  It’s a valuable investment opportunity—don’t miss out!

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3 Responses
  1. Damian says:

    “If you donate now, I will name a giant insecticide-spraying zeppelin after you.”
    Coffee-on-the-keyboard-funny, that.

  2. Gorthos says:

    EGAD.. I hate bugs that bite.. Kill em all

  3. macadamia_man says:

    Re EGAD: like the post title says . . .
    The Earth-Mother will Kick Your Ass