Screw You

Shortly after 0930, the quiet stillness of the morning rush hour was broken by a combative meeting between the urban jungle’s sworn enemies:  The SUV Driver (latte gigantensis) and the Bike Courier (via egomanius).

Toronto Police are on the hunt for a courier who got into an argument with an SUV driver on the mean streets of the downtown core Friday morning. At around 9:30am, the driver and the cyclist got into the typical kind of confrontation that often occurs between two roadway occupants, this time at the busy intersection of College and McCaul.

But it quickly turned violent and police allege the man on the bike pulled out a screwdriver and stabbed the motorist two or three times in the face and the side of the neck. The occupant of the two-wheeler then took off on foot down College toward University, leaving his bike behind.

— "Man Stabbed Three Times With Screwdriver In "Bike Rage" Incident ", CityNews.ca Staff, November 2nd, 2007.

When tragedies like this happen, it is time for government to react.  When will the failed Harper Government institute a National Screwdriver Registry to ensure the safety of all Canadians?  Screwdrivers have only one purpose—to screw things.  Including people!  In our modern, heavily urbanised society, there is no good rationale for any non-construction-worker to be able to freely carry an easily-concealed, unlicensed screwdriver.  Civilians who like to screw things can get Allen keys, which are much safer (and harder to stab people with).

When will federal Transport Minister Lawrence Cannon outlaw all forms of wheeled transportation?  SUV drivers hate cyclists for being inconsiderate, traffic-impeding assholes.  Cyclists hate SUV-drivers for being inconsiderate, Earth-polluting assholes.  If both SUV drivers and cyclists had to walk everywhere, they’d still be assholes, but they’d be too tired to get into very many fights.  And if everyone’s a pedestrian, it’s hard to tell if you’re the traffic-impeding or Earth-polluting kind of asshole.

Let’s all work together to get screwdrivers and assholes off our streets.

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One Response
  1. Damian says:

    Let’s all work together to get screwdrivers and assholes off our streets.
    You know what might help with that? More guns. 😉