Non omnes qui habemt citharam sunt citharoedi

I have come to the conclusion that the 1986 Chernobyl accident has more or less permanently polluted the entire European (and particularly Scandinavian) water table, irrevocably.

It is the only thing I can think of to explain the propensity of European rock and metal bands (particularly the Finns) to crank out oddball covers of… decidedly non-metal songs.

Exhibit A:  Sonata Arctica [Finnish, power metal] covering “The Wind Beneath My Wings” (Bette Fargin’ Midler.  W!  T!  F!)

Exhibit B:  Turisas [Finnish, viking metal] covering “Rasputin” (Boney M).

Exhibit C:  Graveworm [German/Italian, melodic black metal] covering “I Need A Hero” (Bonnie Tyler).

Exhibit D:  Within Temptation [Dutch, symphonic rock] covering “Running Up That Hill” (Kate “I Sing In A Pitch Only Dogs Can Fully Hear” Bush).

Exhibit E:  Northern Kings [Finnishsurprise, surprise!symphonic metal] covering… everything.  Both albums (Reborn, Rethroned) released to date have been nothing but covers.  And look at that horrific list of 80s and 90s cheese-pop artists.  Heaven have mercy.

It may be centuries before Finland’s music scene returns to normal.

Nuke the site from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure:  Tony Kakko of Sonata Arctica singing an informal karaoke-style version of Celine Dion’s interminable Titanic anthem, “My Heart Will Go On“.

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