The Second Civil War is upon us!

Actually, it’s upon you, since I’m not an American.

Earlier this week, Erica Jong and several pop-culture luminaries wet their pants due to severe lack of a) perspective, b) contact with ordinary human beings, and presumably c) non-violent contact with people of colour.

A few days ago, Jong, an author and self-described feminist, gave an interview to the Italian daily Corriere della Sera

Here’s a translation of Jong’s more spirited quotes to the Milan-based Corriere, as selected by Rocca.

“The record shows that voting machines in America are rigged.”

“My friends Ken Follett and Susan Cheever are extremely worried. Naomi Wolf calls me every day. Yesterday, Jane Fonda sent me an email to tell me that she cried all night and can’t cure her ailing back for all the stress that has reduces her to a bundle of nerves.”

“My back is also suffering from spasms, so much so that I had to see an acupuncturist and get prescriptions for Valium.”

“After having stolen the last two elections, the Republican Mafia…”

“If Obama loses it will spark the second American Civil War. Blood will run in the streets, believe me. And it’s not a coincidence that President Bush recalled soldiers from Iraq for Dick Cheney to lead against American citizens in the streets.”

“Bush has transformed America into a police state, from torture to the imprisonment of reporters, to the Patriot Act.”

— Jason Horowitz, “Erica Jong Tells Italians Obama Loss ‘Will Spark the Second American Civil War. Blood Will Run in the Streets’“, New York Observer, October 30th, 2008.

Excuse me while I laugh hard enough to pull an abdominal muscle.

Clearly it is incumbent upon Americans to take these concerns to heart and dwell upon them carefully.  After all, without Ken Follett, airports worldwide will be bereft of entirely predictable World War Two covert-ops genre thrillers.  If we can’t read boring, formulaic novels in the departure lounge, the terrorists have won.

I’m a little less concerned about Jane Fonda, though.  She had no objection to providing aid, comfort and an enormous propaganda victory to the enemy in a time of war.  As opposed to giving aid and comfort to her fellow countrymen; no, couldn’t do that.  As far as I’m concerned, if Fonda had cried every waking moment of her life—from the moment she was an ova, to the present day, and her constituent molecules continue to cry well after her death—it will not yet be sufficient restitution for her act of treason.  But then my sympathies lie with the guys who go into harm’s way on a professional basis.  Not relatively sheltered performers whose heaviest burden was having to put up with Lindsay Lohan’s flakiness on the set of Georgia Rule.

Maybe it’s just the mind-warping effects of living in the real world, but I have a great deal of faith in America and Americans, whether black or white or any other variation of skin pigmentation.  I am one hundred precent certain that, regardless of whether or not Barack Obama gets elected to the Presidency, the American public will not immediately and spontaneously combust into fratricidal warfare.

Get a fargin’ grip.

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