You’re doing it wrong

If you ever wanted to see your wife or girlfriend as imagined in a particularly boring James Bond title sequence, here’s your chance.

A Scottish company trialling “intimate communication over a distance” is seeking couples interested in drawing lines of light on each other’s bodies rather than the more-traditional teledildonics hardware.

The technology comes from Forres-based Distance Labs, who are looking for three couples in which one partner is based near Edinburgh, and the other more than 250km away, to see if drawing lines of light on each other’s bodies can replicate some of the ambiance involved in relationships.

The drawing is done with a ring, which glows red, and so can be easily detected by an overhead camera. Special bedroom electronics project lines drawn by the distant partner, as well as those traced out locally, enabling the couple to “communicate through the language of touch as expressed on the canvas of the human body”.

— Bill Ray.  “Scots to pioneer remote sex via glowing ring“, The Register, April 22nd, 2009.

Sorry fellas, but where I come from sex is not playing with light pens over a network connection.  That sounds suspiciously like “Microsoft Live Meeting with Whiteboard”, which is something I won’t voluntarily play.  No matter how you spin it, teleconferencing never gets exciting.  Anybody who has ever worked in an office should know this already.

Right then.  Those of you not interested in playing remote Spirograph on your spouse can get back to the old-fashioned method of teledildonics; phone sex.  Or as we do it in the 18th century, long, windy letters professing undying devotion via ink pens.

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