How did this project get green-lit?


For definitive proof that Hollywood is an increasingly inbred colony of morons, go read these two interviews (1, 2) with Peter Berg, director of the upcoming movie based on the Battleship board game.

This gist is that aliens come to Earth and magically disable our “advanced” technologies (including, presumably, liquid and solid fuel rocket motors, which propel missiles; onboard INS guidance systems; possibly the GPS satellite constellation), thereby forcing a US/Japanese surface action group to engage the alien watercraft with old-fashioned radar-and-eyeball directed gunnery.

I find it incredible that this project has received funding and is going ahead.  Should this project do well at the box office, against all odds and common sense, we will be treated to a slew of board-game-related copycats.  If you’re a studio producer with more money than brain cells, consider these:

  • Jenga: The Movie. Aliens magically disable our advanced construction techniques, such as reinforced concrete, forcing a team of archaeological architects to shore up modern skyscrapers and other enormous buildings with post-and-lintel braces using gigantic rectangular blocks of wood.
  • Monopoly: The Movie. Aliens magically disable our antitrust laws, advanced economic instruments, and force the government back onto the gold standard.  A team of Wall Street oligarchs must achieve vertical integration of transportation, utilities and real estate empires in order to stop them.
  • Ouija Board: The Movie. Aliens magically disable humanity’s higher reasoning capabilities resident in our medial prefrontal cortexes, causing a worldwide shortage of Jonas Brothers tickets.  A team of teenaged girls with a mild predilection for occultism must hold a sleepover and ask a Ouija board a series of increasingly meaningless questions in order to set things right.  (Yes, I am aware that Witchboard and Paranormal Activity already exist.)
  • Scrabble: The Movie. Aliens magically disable our advanced electronic communications infrastructure, causing worldwide havoc.  A team of elementary school spelling bee champions must communicate with the alien spacecraft in orbit, using only enormous city-sized blocks of wood stamped with individual letters of the alphabet.
  • Yahtzee: The Movie. Aliens magically disable our advanced entertainment infrastructure, causing worldwide death by boredom.  An average family of four must battle the odds and stay alive using the dice from their dusty, unused backgammon set, and recording the scores for… no reason whatsoever.
Category: Ars Gratia Artis, Games  Tags:
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